Monday, April 08, 2013

Bittersweet

It was my birthday on Friday. My 39th. My family and friends showered me with love and presents and I did my best to savour each happy moment. But it was such a bittersweet day.

Em and I have been planning for years to meet in Paris next summer, in between my 40th birthday and hers. We'd spend at least a week, celebrating that milestone {and 20 years of friendship} in sidewalk cafes and museums and parks, drinking wine and eating baguette and cheese and visiting all of the places that she'd told me about so often. It would have been perfect, being in Paris with my very best friend. Would have been...

It will never happen now. I don't know if I will ever even want to go to Paris. Em is gone. She passed away on the 16th of March, after such a long and bravely fought battle with cancer. My heart is broken. I don't know how to express just how much she meant to me, how much I loved her. She was my favourite and my best, and it was so difficult to celebrate my birthday in a world without her. Surreal, really. I still can't believe it.

This is the card that Em sent me last year for my birthday. I put it up on the mantle with all of this year's cards.


Em always, always sent me a card, and she never let a birthday go by without a phone call, no matter where she was in the world. I missed that this year, sort of waited for it all day, even though I knew it wouldn't come.



My sweet friend Micaela has been such a help to me these past few weeks, sending flowers and a book and words of support whenever I needed them. And on my birthday, when I was suddenly feeling overwhelmed with the sadness, a parcel arrived. In it was this necklace. Isn't it beautiful?


E & me... our hearts will always be together, even though we can't be anymore. I will hold every memory of my dearest friend close to my heart forever. And maybe one day, I will go to Paris, with this chain around my neck, these hearts close to mine. We'll see...

For now, I'm going to bed.

18 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry hear about Em. You don't have to explain how much she meant to you, after reading your blog for a few years I know:)
    You are in my thoughts, and I can't imagine what you are going through, but I hope your future birthdays won't have to be bittersweet.

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  2. Erin, I am so sorry. I know Em means so much to you...and my eyes are all teary just sitting here reading this. You and she were total bosom buddies...Anne of Green Gables style. I'm happy that you can carry a little heart next to yours and remember her every day...what a sweet gift.

    You will continue to be in my thoughts. And I hope your birthday brought some more pretty clouds. Because I know what those mean to you.

    Sending lots of love.

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    1. Thanks for the love and your kind words, Bethany. She really was a kindred spirit and my bosom friend. I'll keep looking for those pretty clouds to lift my spirits. xo

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  3. I'm so sorry for you. My sister lost her very best friend to cancer a few years back now and every Birthday, Christmas, Anniversary, every time we have a girlie day, there is a hole there. But we do still do the things we all used to do together and I'm sure one day you will be able to go to Paris and she will be smiling down on you xxx

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    1. Thank you, Claire. I know it will never get better, Em being gone, but it will get easier. And maybe I will get there one day and feel her presence on the streets of Paris. We'll see. xo

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  4. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. She will always be with you - whether you are in Paris, having a birthday, or just listening to your favorite song on the radio. Memories last a lifetime. I'm sure she would want you to create more everyday and smile thinking about her, just the way she was.
    Hugs ♥

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    1. True, Amanda. So much reminds me of her. She'll always be with me. xo

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  5. Yes, I was thinking of you this birthday ... knowing how hard it would be ...

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    1. Thanks, Cass. Let's have tea together soon. xo

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  6. I am so very sorry for your loss! Thinking of you. xxx

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  7. My heart breaks for you Erin. I have tears just thinking about your sadness. I'm thinking of you and holding you in my thoughts and prayers.
    What you and Em had is so so beautiful, so special and precious. Lots of love to you.

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    1. Lots of love to you too, Jo. Thanks for your kind words. xo

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  8. Oh Erin, it breaks my heart to see you so sad :( I'm so so sorry for your loss.

    Thinking of you xxx

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  9. I couldn't stop thinking of you on your birthday and how bittersweet it was. I know next year will be even harder still, because it was supposed to be a magical one you two were supposed to share together. Arm in arm down pretty french streets :( Oh how my heart hurts for you. Promise me you'll go still. If not next year, one day because you know what? she will be with you. You will carry her in your heart and feel her soul in the city she loved. I can just imagine the peaceful feeling now.

    I said a prayer of thanks that my gift came to you on your birthday. E&E always. How incredibly lucky you two were to have each other. <3

    I am always here for you and I'm thankful you know that. I'm also very grateful that I can come to you any time about a silly thing (as per my stress cry this morning on face time!) or huge thing in my life.

    love you!

    XOXO

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    Replies
    1. I know you're right, M. I'll go one day, when I feel ready.

      Thank you again for my gorgeous necklace. I wear it every day.

      Let's talk again soon.
      love you, too. xo

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