Thursday, May 03, 2012

Things I'm afraid to tell you



These posts were all over the web today. Their honesty inspired me to write one of my own:

I spend way too much time in my own head, over-analyzing every little thing. In my mind, things are almost always far worse and a way bigger deal than they really are. I bottle up all my fears and neuroses, and every once in a while the dam bursts and they spill out of me. Those are the days when I cry a lot.

In the year leading up to my wedding, I lost a lot of weight. Maybe too much weight. I was skinny. Like sticky-out collar bone skinny. I didn't eat enough ever, and it was probably bordering on being some kind of eating disorder. I was obsessed with the scale. The worst bit? Some days I wish I still looked like that.

I hate confrontation. It makes me feel like I might throw up. Because of that, I try very hard not to rock the boat, but to please others all the time. And then I end up letting myself down. Why do I do that? It seriously needs to stop.

My house is a mess. There are piles of things everywhere, and mostly they are mine. I hate it, because the more cluttered it is, the more anxious/pissed off I feel. For me, physical clutter = mental clutter. I am slowly tackling this problem, one room {and one pile} at a time. So far, so good.

I am seeing a counsellor to help me deal with all of this {and more}. She is awesome, and if I weren't her client, I would totally want to hang out with her.

I don't know how to make my blog format wider, but if I did, I'd do it in a second, so I could have bigger photos. You know, like they do on all the blogs that are prettier than mine {hello, Ms Insecure/Always Comparing Herself to Others right here!}

It's just about midnight, and as usual I am up far too late. Good thing, or I'd probably be less tired and more self-conscious. I'd delete this post for fear that it makes me look like a complete nut-bar! As it is, I'm leaving it up and hitting publish. Have you got things you're afraid to tell but want to? Share them in the comments, won't you please? It's always good to discover you're not alone {which is totally what I did when I read Kayla's brilliant post}...

Good-night, friends.
E


15 comments:

  1. Gosh, my post feels a bit lame now, I'm genuinely amazed by how open people have been - its odd though, as I went to think about writing it, I realised that really I wasn't scared to tell anyone anything which was quite liberating...

    When Thomas first went to Uni (9 years ago now, madness) and I had to stay at home, I stopped eating pretty much, my appetite just disappeared and I'm a little bit horrified of the photos that I see from that time of me - but at the same time I think, gosh I was thin, could I look like that again? I doubt I could ever eat as little again though, I do love food.

    If you want any help with your blog template send me an email, I would be more than happy to help you out :)

    Lots of love to you as ever Erin
    x

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    1. Thanks, Rhianne. I know what you mean about the food though... much as I want to be skinny, I also want that pasta and the glass of wine! I might take you up on your offer of help with the blog template... xo

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  2. I love your honesty Erin! Thank you for sharing these things with us.

    Your blog is beautiful, no matter how big your photos are! I have limited html knowledge, but I could try to help you widen your blog if you'd like! Just let me know and I'd be happy to give it a try :)

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    1. You're sweet, Lauryn. My blog is pretty (sometimes) but I have big dreams for it, and would like it to be so much more.

      Thanks for your offer to help me sort it out!

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  3. You are a wonder, my friend. I read this post and thought about how much we are EXACTLY alike. Can I just cut and paste it into my blog and say it's about me? ;) Good for you for seeing someone to help talk things through. I think talking about things really really helps. If you ever want to chat, you know where I am! ;) xo

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    1. Hmmmm, AND we have the same birthday... Could we have been separated at birth?!

      I'd love to chat with you sometime. And not just about LOST!
      xo

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  4. It's so hard to know where to start with commenting on a post like this (and Kayla's), when it brings up so many thoughts. Your first point, about over-analyzing things? That's me to a T, if you add in perfectionism too. Same with confrontation. And there are other, bigger things that only my husband & a few close friends know about that weigh on my mind every day. Thanks for sharing this, Erin.

    PS. I *think* I know a quick fix for the blog width/image thing - email me (hooraydesign at gmail : )

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    1. Thanks for commenting, Alli! It's good to know that other people experience similar things and to hear about how they deal with them.

      A quick fix? Really? Will email you tonight!

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  5. Sing it, sister! So proud of you. I can also help you widen your margins and increase your image size. Seriously! Please don't hesitate to ask anytime. Lots of love, my dear friend.

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    1. Your comment made me smile, Kayla! Lots of love to you, too. I hope you have a marvellous weekend.

      Your blog is probably the prettiest I know. I might just be asking you for a bit of help soon...

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  6. Thanks for being so open, Erin! I see myself i most of what you wrote... Lots of love to you, friend!

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    1. Thanks for the compliment, Marcia. And your email! Will write back very soon. Hope you're having a beautiful Sunday afternoon in Brazil!

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  7. Thanks for this post Erin. I'm so inspired by all the posts I've seen with the bloggers sharing what they are afraid to talk about. I think a lot of us have the same types of fears and anxieties. One of my biggest things is comparing myself to others and NEVER really see myself as me. Something I'm working on.
    As for the losing weight. I have looked at photos of when I was 18/19 and I see that I got quite skinny. My collarbones were sticking out and my arms got really thin. I look back and think I'm much healthier looking now but I almost wish I looked like that still. It's terrible.
    But thank you Erin. You are really amazing!

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  8. Erin... you are so brave. And this is so inspiring. And I think that sharing things like this really helps all of us to realize that we aren't alone.

    Sending you lots of love today.

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  9. Erin, I'm so glad you wrote this post. It took me time to get here, but I'm happy I did. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote here. There are many days I wish I had someone to talk to. I've even looked but everyone I've contacted has no availability. It's hard being on my own but it helps knowing that others have been through similar situations.

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Yay! I love comments.

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